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February 06, 2019
We’ve all seen the logo. That familiar bright red TV screen boasting the words, “As Seen On TV” slapped onto the side of every miracle gizmo hocked in late night television infomercials. It’s supposed to inspire confidence in the quality or utility of the product, because if something’s been featured on TV, it HAS to be good. They don’t let just anyone...pay them money to purchase advertising time.
Of course the savvy consumer knows the “As Seen On TV” logo is often slapped onto comically terrible products in an attempt to lend them a shred of credibility, when in fact it’s lipstick on a pig (Pig Lipstick, coming soon from Ronco!). Below are five of the “best”, however you’d like to define that, “As Seen On TV” products. Pay particular attention to number five.
It’s safe to say that the first Flowbee accidentally fell through an interdimensional rift from an alternate reality where people use vacuum cleaners to cut their hair. Because it’s patently absurd to think that someone from our reality came up with the idea and decided it was a good one.
In fact, the only reasonable explanation is that the device was some sort of weapon, sent through the rift to suck out our thoughts, or our vital essence, or whatever else an advanced, vacuum cleaner-based civilization might want from primitive scissor-wielders like us.
As Wayne Campbell, the character from Wayne’s World said about the Flowbee-inspired “Suck Kut” product, “It certainly does suck!”
The original Potty Putter commercial opens on a disappointed golfer, with the voice over lamenting, “Oh, no! You missed that putt again! You probably don’t have enough time to practice.” The solution? Putt while you poop on a tiny bathroom putting green. With the Potty Putter you can practice those one foot putts that small children and even blind, legless house cats can sink!
One caveat the manufacturers should have listed prominently on the box is that while your putting game may improve, unfortunately every time you hit the links your muscle memory is going to require that you take down your pants and squeeze one out in order to sink your shot. That’s a sight that will make most people regret giving a Potty Putter as a gift.
You know what’s really relaxing? Putting on a pair of clammy, heated plastic pants and crotch sweating in them for an hour. And that rancid experience can be ours for only $29.99? Let us grab a hammer so that we can smash our phones to be certain we never accidentally order a pair of these!
Really, though. Of all the body parts the inventors of Sauna Pants could have chosen to wrap in an unventilated sweat sack they chose the crotch? A Sauna Shirt would have been so much more appealing. But no. We get stuck with a sizzling adult diaper in bright, convict orange.
Has anyone noticed that three of the four entries so far have been fixated on the crotch and/or the bathroom? “As Seen On PeeV”, amirite? Sorry. Retracted.
We’ll admit that this next entry is probably pretty useful, but there’s something disturbing about the idea of standing in the middle of a golf course, towel hung around your waist to cover the fact that you’re peeing into a fake golf club? I suppose on the plus side, on a cold day out on the course you could pass your UroClub around so that everyone can warm their hands on the now heated grip.
That’s really barely a plus side. Also retracted.
Ah, here it is. The tie in you’ve been waiting for! The Sock Slider. For no particular reason we have absolutely nothing bad to say about this product. It’s the single greatest human innovation since...the sock. And that’s saying something because have you seen our socks?!
All jokes aside, the Sock Slider actually is really useful for the elderly, the infirm or those suffering from injuries that make it difficult to put on their socks. It’s a simple design but one that seems to be pretty effective, and we wholeheartedly support any technology that makes it easier for people to put our kickass socks on their feet.
Three cheers for the Sock Slider!
Ozone Content Creator
May 06, 2020